i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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