Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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