Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
