I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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