Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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