Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
