he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
