she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
