quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
