I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
