Someone shit on the floor
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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