i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
