Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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