this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
