I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
