You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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