i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
