It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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