I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
