totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
