i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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