I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
We named our party play list daddy issues
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
3 2 1 whiskey
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
