"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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