if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Randomize
