yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
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he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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