Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
