Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
he thought i was a dude.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
