i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I'm at about main and main street
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
