at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
