Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
