We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
