I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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