i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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