I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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