Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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