thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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