i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
