can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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