Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
