She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
