There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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