Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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