I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
