just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
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I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
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He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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