My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
