I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I currently don't understand fingers.
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