I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Randomize
