ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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