My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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