If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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