I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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