I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
