Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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