I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
