Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
