your thong is hanging out like whoa
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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