why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
