walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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