We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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