Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
