It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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