omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
