I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
