my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
